


Daniel and Philip

by litralleephantrash



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Accident, Angst, Best Friends, Car Accident, Hurt, I'm Sorry, M/M, Moving On, Moving Out, Sad, but not really, i'm crappy at this, its so angsty, phil has a boyfriend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-17
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-04 22:00:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 15,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4154571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/litralleephantrash/pseuds/litralleephantrash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan learns about Phil's boyfriend from a video Phil posts...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I'm sorry for any spelling mistakes. English is not my first language and I did not have a beta. Second of all, this is my first phanfiction, so please be nice. :D

**_Daniel_ **

_Hey guys! So..okay I need to tell you something. I wanted to do this for quite some time now, but I- I was afraid, I guess. Well, okay this is even harder than I thought it would be.” Phil stopped and took a deep breath. “I have a boyfriend. So that’s it, it’s out.” He looked down at his feet. “We have been together for about five months now. No one knows, though. Neither Dan nor my parents. It’s not because I don’t trust them or anything, I just didn’t know how to tell them. Can you relate to that? I can’t explain it any other way. Anyways, now you know. Thanks for watching.”_

Something inside of Dan fell apart. It shattered. Phil had a boyfriend. His heart stopped for a moment. Phil is in love with someone else. He couldn’t breathe. The possibility of Phil loving him back eventually was gone. Dan could physically feel his heart burst into a million little pieces.

It’s not like Dan and Phil had ever been more than best friends. They were really close and they sincerely loved each other, in a best-friend-kind-of-way. At least from Phil’s point of view. Dan had a crush on him before they had ever met in person. Through endless texting, skype-calls, first meetings and finally moving in together Phil had become that kind of best friend Dan had always wanted. And he was perfectly happy with that, until one day he realized that that crush from years ago had never truly gone away. That was when Dan knew he loved Phil. In an I-want-to-grow-old-with-you-and-have-20-grandchildren-kind-of-way. He never told Phil though. He never dared, because one wrong word in this direction could have destroyed the kind of friendship that they shared. Not in a visible way, but it could have made things odd and uncomfortable between them and that was the last thing Dan wanted. Phil was the one person he felt 100% comfortable with. But now it was too late. Dan had missed his chance. Phil was taken now.

Dan sat in his bed, laptop in his lap, staring at the wall. 20 minutes passed. 30. 40. 1 hour had gone by and he had not moved a millimeter. He just sat there waiting. Waiting for his body to fall apart the same way that his heart had. Another half hour later Dan finally got up. He stopped in front of his door. He took a deep breath. “Everything is just the way it was before. Dan and Phil. Best friends. Nothing less. _Nothing more…”_

The second Dan had closed the door behind his back, Phil ran up to him in the hallway.

“Did you see it?” Phil asked, sounding impatient and nervous and excited all at once.

“Yeah, I’ve seen it.” He said. He wanted to add something, wanted to say that he was proud of Phil, that he supported him, but he was afraid his voice would crack.

“Oh.” Phil’s ever so bright smile faded. His eyes lost something of their brightness for a moment and he looked sad. “You’re upset.”

_Yes._ “No, Phil.” He said quickly, trying to sound and normal and best-friend-like as possible. Dan could not stand the sight of Phil looking as sad as he did right now. It made him physically hurt. “I am happy for you. You know I am. And I am proud of you. I- I just wish you would have told me.”

“I wanted to tell you a million times. But I didn’t know how. I was afraid that this might change something between the two of us and I wanted to avoid that as long as possible. I’m sorry Dan. I should have told you, I know.”

_I’m sorry too. I’m sorry I can’t be happy for you –with you- the way a best friend is supposed to be. I’m sorry I fell in love with you._ “It’s okay, I get it and this changes nothing between the two of us. You’re still my very best friend” and nothing more. Dan smiled and hoped it didn’t seem too forced. “C’mon let’s get some dinner, I’m starving!”

“Oh, uhm sure. I don’t know about you, but I fancy some Pizza tonight.”

“Sounds good.” “I’ll order some. Same as always, I guess?”

“Yeah sure.” _Same as always._ Dan was so sad he wanted to cry for 10 hours straight, except that he was too sad too even cry. He had thought that talking to Phil about his boyfriend would be the worst thing. That the change in their friendship would be, what would shatter the last little piece that was left of his heart. Now he knew that the way everything was still exactly the same, was so much worse. Phil was still the same, he was as kind and happy and excited and amazing as always. He was still Phil. Their conversation was the same too. And Dan himself had not changed either. What had changed was the fact that Phil was now absolutely, officially, without a doubt, completely unattainable and that there was nothing that Dan could have said or done about it. He barely made it to his room before he broke down. There were no tears. He just sat on the floor and tried to keep it together as well as possible.

He heard a knock on the door: “Dan? Can you come into the living room? I want to ask you something.” He wanted to reply, he did, but somehow it seemed like every last bit of strength had left his body.

Another knock. “Dan? Are you alright? Did you hear me?” Somehow Dan managed to reply. “Alright, I’ll be there in a minute.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to continue the story. I'm really sorry in case anyone waited.

**_Daniel_ **

After about five minutes of trying to calm down, Dan finally left his room to meet Phil in lounge. Phil sat on the sofa with his phone in one hand and a mug of tea in the other. He smiled at his phone in a way that made it seem as if whatever he looked at made him the happiest person ever. It was beautiful, he was beautiful. But at the same time it was brutal for Dan. He was about to turn around and return to his room, not wanting to interrupt Phil, when Phil looked up to him. "Dan! There you are!" he said with the brightest smile. Then he seemed to remember that Dan had acted weird and added "Is everything all right?"

The way Phil looked at him made Dan's heart warm up for a second. For that moment it did not matter that he was unattainable. That he loved this other guy. Because this smile was for Dan, the way his eyes lit up was not because he looked at this guy, but because he looked at Dan. And just for this split second his heart hurt a little less. But then it all came flooding back to him. Dan knew that Phil loved him, it was just not the same way that he loved Phil. "Yeah…I'm alright. Just have a bit of a headache, that's all."

"Oh, okay. We can talk tomorrow..." his smile faded a little. "If you don't feel well?"

Or never talk at all maybe, because I know exactly what's about to happen. "No no, it's fine. I'm just gonna take some aspirin and it'll be okay again."

Dan went to the kitchen and got himself a glass of water and an aspirin while trying his very best to mentally prepare himself for what was going to happen. Well, as it turned out his very best wasn’t really good enough at all. So he took one last deep breath to brace himself and then reentered the living room. Phil sat on his usual space on the sofa and looked up when Dan sat down on the other side of the couch.

“So, what do you want to talk about?” Dan asked, while desperately avoiding eye contact. Phil cleared his throat: “Alright, so as you now know that I am in a relationship, I want you to meet Alex. You have been the most important person in my life for the last 6 years and before I introduce Alex to my parents I want you to meet him.”

_Have been_ \- the words cut into Dan’s heart like a thousand little razor blades.

“Dan, I need you to meet him. I know that this must sound weird to you, but before I can go the next step I need your approval and your blessing.”

The pain was making Dan feel numb.

“You know me better than anyone else in the entire world. And I know that you don’t like it when I say these things because of what the fans might think, but I love you Dan, you are my very best friend. And to really do this, I need you to meet Alex and that everything will be perfect. Please.”

Dan nearly choked, he felt like throwing up, he felt like screaming, like punching someone or something but at the same time he felt like going to bed and never getting up again.. “I know that I’m acting all weird and needy but, Dan, this is really important to me. I asked Alex to come over tomorrow at 7:30 p.m. Will you be there?”

Dan took another sip of his aspirin-water in order to give himself a moment longer to prepare. "Sure I will be there!” His voice sounded strange in his own ears, as if he were a computer. “I don’t see why it’s such a big deal for you that I meet him, but if it’s really that important to you I will meet the guy. In my best ‘overprotective-father-attitude’ of course” Every single one of these words felt like a blade in his throat. But he loved Phil too much to pull him down with his own misery.

Phil looked relieved. A smile that outshone the sun on its brightest day spread over his face. And then out of nowhere he tackled Dan in a hug. It wasn’t there usual “quick-best-friend-bro-no-homo-hug” but a deep warm hug that showed deep affection. Phil practically lay on top of Dan, arms wrapped tightly around his neck and whispered “Thank you so much, Dan”, into his ear. And in that moment that last bit of light that had somehow managed to survive inside of Dan, died and all he was left with was darkness.

Dan could feel the breakdown roll onto him like a landslide, he needed to get away from Phil. Now. “Yeah, sure. Whatever you need, man”, he said patting Phil’s back once. When Phil finally let go off Dan and returned to his former seat Dan announced that he would head out to buy some groceries for the next day at the 24/7 shop. He then turned around, walked into his room to grab his coat and shoes and left the apartment without speaking another word to Phil. As soon as he was outside he began to run He ran away from the landslide, trying to escape although everyone knows that you cannot be faster, that you cannot escape a landslide. He ran until his lungs ached and his legs were on fire, he must have looked like a mad man to everyone he ran past, but he really didn’t care. He didn’t care about anything anymore. And in that exact moment the car hit him. He rolled over the front shield and then hit the ground and let darkness take him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any spelling / grammar mistakes, i wrote this a 3 a.m., i'm not a native speaker and i didn't have beta :/


	3. Chapter 3

**_Philip_ **

Dan was lying in a hospital bed with several beeping machines attached to him. He had bruises all over his face and probably also over the rest of his body. His face was so pale it nearly matched the sheets. Phil could feel a stitch in his heart. Dan looked so weak, so vulnerable. He felt like taking his best friends hand and just sitting next to his bed until he woke up. He loved Dan since 2009; he had fallen in love with him through endless Skype-calls, discussions over movies and music, first meetings and finally moving in together and sharing a home. He loved Dan through all the hard times, through 2012 but he had come to the realization that Dan just didn’t feel the same things for him. And Phil had decided to move on. For Dan’s sake, for the sake of their friendship and for his own sake. Then  about 6 months ago he’s met Alex, and being with Alex could sometimes make him forget about being in love with Dan. He didn’t feel the same about Alex as he felt about Dan, but he was quite sure that no one would ever measure up to Dan. Alex was nice and kind and gentle and everything else Phil looked for in a partner, Alex was perfect, except for the point that he wasn’t Dan. So he made himself fall in love with Alex. It wasn’t fair, he knew that and he hated himself for what he might do to Alex, but he kept telling himself that no one would ever know. This was his chance to live decently happy life.

He glanced over to Dan and the pain he felt in his heart grew stronger. How could this have happened? Why did Dan want to go grocery shopping at 10 p.m.? Why didn’t he stop him? _Why didn’t he prevent this? Who would just run over someone crossing the street?_ He felt hot rage coming up inside of him and he didn’t really know how to handle it. Phil had never felt like this before. Sure, he had been upset with someone, angry even, but he had never felt anything like this boiling rage against anyone. He needed to know more so he asked the nurse who was checking all the peeping machines attached to Dan.

“Who ran him over? Did the police arrest them?”

“Please calm down, Sir. I understand that you must be upset but you really need to calm down. See, the driver who hit your friend did not really have another chance. Daniel-“

“What do you mean? Of course he had another chance; he could have driven more carefully. You’re definitely doing something wrong if you just run over random people.”

“What I’m trying to tell you, Mr. Lester, is that your friend Daniel ran directly on to a multi-lane road. All the driver could do was brake as quick as possible. But there was no way he could have drawn aside. The police think that Daniel might have taken some kind of drug but the drug screen just came back… -negative”

Phil’s mind went blank. Why did Dan- He didn’t understand anything anymore. No one with a clear mind would try to pass a multi-lane road in the dark. Everyone was driving too fast in order to get home as quick as possible. Why would Dan..?

“So what does that mean? What are you implying?”

“The police think it might have been an attempted suicide. They want to talk to you.”

_Suicide? DAN?_ Not even in a billion years. Before Dan would even get close to thinking about killing himself he would talk to Phil. If there was anything depressing him he would talk to Phil. He knew that but he also knew that there had to be an explanation for why Dan had run on a motorway.

The nurse, Mary, told Phil that two policemen waited for him outside of Dan’s room. He didn’t want to leave Dan alone but he also needed some answers. This whole situation was just bizarre. He went to Dan’s bed, kissed him on the forehead and whispered: “I will just be outside for a minute.”

 

“Are you Mr. Philip Michael Lester?”

“Yes, I am.”

“We have ask you some questions concerning the accident of Daniel James Howell. You are his roommate, is that correct?”

“Y- … yes, that is correct.”

“When exactly did Mr. Howell leave the house? And did anything extraordinary happen before he did so?”

“Uhm… he left the house at about 9:50 p.m. He wanted to buy some groceries at the 24/7 shop.”

“And nothing unusual happened prior to that? Why did he want to buy groceries that late?”

“I told him that my boyfriend, whom he hasn’t met yet would come over the next evening. I guess he wanted to buy groceries so that we’d have something to serve the next day.”

“Please excuse this question, but have you and Mr. Howell ever been in a relationship? Could that be why he… acted the way he did?”

“No.”

“Please, I can see that we are making you uncomfortable but it would be great if you could specify you relationship to Mr. Howell.”

“I mean: no we have never been in a relationship. Dan-…he isn’t even gay, so there is no way he would have wanted to _kill himself_ just because I told him about my boyfriend, if that’s what you are implying. What Dan sees in me is his best friend, and nothing more. Why don’t you go talk to that – driver? Maybe he was drunk? Or maybe he was high? Why don’t you think about that for a moment? Why are you so bloody sure Dan wanted to kill himself?” Phil heard that he was shouting, he was shouting at two policemen but he didn’t really care. It wasn’t his fault that they didn’t do their fucking job!

“Mr. Lester, we understand your concerns, but fact is that several witnesses have seen Daniel run straight onto the motorway without hesitating for even a second. We have checked the driver thoroughly; he was not intoxicated in any way. We are not imputing an attempted suicide to Mr. Howell but we want to find out why he endangered himself and others like he did and in order to do so we need to think of every possible scenario. That is why we would like to know as much about yours and Mr. Howell’s life as possible. I am now going to ask you again to please describe the relationship between you and Mr. Howell as detailed as possible.”

“I, uh…I-“ Phil thought about what to do. He had never told **anyone** about what he actually felt for Dan. But Dan’s health was the most important thing now. “As I said: Dan and I have never been in a relationship, however… I have been in love with Dan for a long time. Back in 2009 when we met there were moments where I actually thought he might like me back. But when we were becoming quite well-known on the internet, we are both youtubers, Dan made it very clear to me and everyone who watched us that he is straight. Since then we have been roommates and best friends. He is my best friend in the entire world and I know, I just know that if there is anything that’s depressing him, he would have talked to me. But when I told him about my boyfriend tonight he was fine and just so you know he wasn’t bothered at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for the feedback! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**_Dan_ **

Everything was kind of blurry when Dan opened his eyes. Where was he? What had happened? While he was trying to make his eyes focus on where exactly he was the memories came crashing on Dan. Phil. The video. Their conversation. Running. The only thing he remembered after leaving the flat was running. Running for his life, and at the same time running from his life. From meeting Alex, from Phil but most of all from his own feelings, his own mind, his own heart. When Dan’s vision finally cleared up, he could see the room. There were a lot of beeping machines attached to him. He wanted to free himself and get up but when he tried to lift his arm a wave pain rushed through his entire body and he blacked out again.

 

When he woke up for the second time it was dark in his room. Good. Darkness is good. Darkness means it’s okay to be sad. Darkness means no one will see.

Dan turned his head to the left, where he found a remote on the nightstand. He tried to move his arm –it was really painful- but this time he didn’t black out. He grabbed it and made the bed’s upper half push him up into a sitting position. Just when he was finished the door opened: Phil.

_Fuck._ How was he supposed to explain the situation to Phil? He didn’t even know what exactly happened himself. And Phil, being Phil, must have been so worried, especially with the way Dan had stormed out of the flat. _Oh please, no. He couldn’t bear a worried, loving, extra nice Phil._

Phil looked Dan straight in the eye and Dan just couldn’t look away.

“So, how do you feel?”

Dan couldn’t say anything. He wanted to, but his lips wouldn’t move, not even for a millimeter. After a solid 30 seconds of silence and very uncomfortable eye contact, Phil added : “Dan? How much do you remember? Can you tell me what happened?”

Silence. Was screaming at Phil on the inside, telling him all these things he wanted to say that he had wanted to say for a long time now. But his brain stopped his heart from spilling all its secrets and so Dan’s mouth stayed shut. And after another 20 seconds of Dan not answering some lever inside of Phil was thrown over and it changed his whole attitude. Dan could see anger flash up in Phil’s glance and his open, friendly, reassuring gesture became repellent, both of these things being very un-Phil-like.

“ _What the fuck_ is wrong with you? What did you plan on doing? And don’t you dare lie to me because I swear to god, Daniel, if you lie to me about this I will-“

Dan was shocked. He still couldn’t answer in order not to say the wrong things, but he also couldn’t break eye contact. _‘Oh god, what did I do?’_

“What is it Dan? You don’t even bother to talk to me anymore?! You know what: FUCK. YOU. I’m done.” Phil turned to leave the room and slammed the door behind him. And Dan still couldn’t speak. What in hell had he done? Not even in their worst fights had Phil ever dared to speak with him like that. Not because he was afraid of Dan, but because it just wasn’t part of personality to be harsh, to curse, to be truly angry, pissed even. He must have screwed it up pretty bad.

 

**_Phil_ **

When had slammed the door close behind him, Phil sacked against the wall. He had never ever spoken to anyone like that. He had never been that angry before. But then again Phil had never felt as betrayed as hurt than right now. What did he do for Dan to lose his trust in Phil? Why did he try to fight his demons on his own, when Phil was only meters away. Phil couldn’t get himself to get up so he just stayed on the floor next to Dan’s door, watching the nurses and doctors as the rushed by.

His phone rang: “Hello?”

“Hey Phil, are you alright? You told me you’d call me like an hour ago.”

“Oh hey Alex, I’m sorry, I just needed some time to process and I totally forgot I wanted to call you?”

“Didn’t go that well, hm?”

“No, not really.”

“So what did he say?”

“Nothing. He said absolutely nothing. He just stared at me. After all that he’s been through, that I- We’ve been through, he doesn’t even bother to fucking talk to me?!? Who does he think he is? I just got so angry, Alex. Oh god.”

“So you didn’t really talk to him?”

“NO! Because he didn’t say anything. He just stared at me. How am I supposed to talk to someone who obviously doesn’t want to talk to me?”

“Maybe he just needs some time? I mean wouldn’t you be a little out of it if you were to lay in a coma _for 3 years_. Just give him some time to adjust, darling, he’ll eventually tell you everything that happened. You’ll see the police are wrong, even after 3 years.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what do you think of the turn of events?  
> Feedback and kudos are always appreciated! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**_Philip_**

„I know. It’s just… I’ve been waiting for three years. I’ve been living without my best friend for three years and I thought that every time the telephone rang it could be the hospital calling to tell me he didn’t make it. And now that he’s awake, he doesn’t even bother to talk to me?! What have I ever done, for him to hate me like this. I just don’t get it. And I need to know. Alex you know I need him to tell me what happened, I can’t live like this forever.”

“Okay, Phil this is too much for you today. Please come home. And tomorrow you’ll go visit him again. Dan loves you, I haven’t met him but I have watched all of the videos, you are his best friend, too! Just give the man some time, honey.”

“Okay, I’ll come home, but I swear if he doesn’t talk to me tomorrow I cannot guarantee for anything.”

“Thank you, honey. I love you, see you soon.”

“I love you, too… and Alex? Thank you, I am so lucky I met you.”

 

**_Daniel_**

Oh god he had somehow managed to screw it up again. Even though he didn’t really know what exactly. Sure he hadn’t said anything, but being the most caring person in the world, Phil would never have yelled at him like that especially considering the circumstances.

So something must have happened, and Dan really needed to know what. So he decided to ring for the nurse.

“Oh you look wonderful, Mr. Howell!” the Nurse looked rather delighted to see Dan. Should he know this lady. This whole situation was getting more and more obscure. “I’m so happy to ..uhm officially meet you?”

“Uhhhhm…thank you? I guess? I’m really sorry, but I really don’t know what’s going on. I feel like I missed a lot. For how long have I been knocked out? At least 2 days right? Have I said anything to my friend, like on morphine or something?”

“Has no one talked to you yet?” The nurse’s genuine smile was now replaced by a rather worried look. She quickly checked something  on her pager.”

“No..? Oh god what did I do?”

“I..uhm… I…I’m not sure if I am authorized to inform you about the situation. Doctor Collins will talk to you as soon as he leaves the OR.”

“No!! No, please tell me what I did. I need to know, please.”

“I’m sorry, but I really can’t tell you anything without authorization.”

“But I need to know. I need to know what I did, if I lost my best friend. I can’t lose him.”

“Oh don’t you worry about that, he’s been here at least twice a week for three years, he-“

Oh. God.

“What do you mean three years?” He couldn’t hear the sound of his own voice over the sound of blood rushing through his ears.

“I…I…I-you lay in coma for the past 3 years and 5 months. You were in a car accident in which you suffered severe brain damage. No one could predict if you would ever wake up again. I paged Dr. Collins several times, but he is currently invested in an emergency surgery.”

 

Three years.

 

He couldn’t think about anything else.

 

Three years. Three years. Three years. Three years. Three years.

 

His was breathing too quickly, hearing things too loudly, everything around him way too bright. It was too much. Everything, too much.

 

So he let himself fall back into the darkness.


	6. Chapter 6

**_Daniel_ **

When he woke up again he didn’t remember what had happened and he felt almost as if everything could be ok, but then things came crushing back on him. He had missed three years of his life. Three years, that are 36 months, 156 weeks, 1029 days… He had missed three years in which friends of him might have married or they might have had children, people he knew might have died. Anything could have happened and he had missed it all.

But the worst thing wasn’t that he had lost these three years from his own life, but rather that he had missed them in Phil’s. I mean couldn’t have had completely forgotten about Dan, since he seems to have visited him very regularly, but after such a long time of not talking to someone, things change. If you want them to, or not. You distance yourself and let other people take the spot of that person. Phil most likely did have a new best friend, and who would blame him – you can only hold on to someone for so long before it starts to break you apart, and then you have to move on for your own sanity.

This must also have been really crap for Phil. Having your roommate and best friend “taken from you” in the blink of an eye must really suck. He felt a wave of affection run through his body because Phil had come here almost every day for three years to visit a friend who didn’t even notice him. And that’s when Dan realized that it wasn’t important what kind of relationship they shared, the only really important thing was that Dan had Phil in his life. As soon as he had these thoughts running through his brain he felt everything else calming down and Dan was kind of at peace.

He reached for his bedside table to grab the phone on there and dialed the number he had known by heart since 2009 and hoped Phil had kept it.

“Hi, this is Phil!”

Dan really wanted to say something, but he couldn’t because his heart and lungs had just decided to stop working when he heard the genuine happiness in Phil’s voice.

“Hey, who is there?”

“Hi---this is Dan.”

Not a single word.

Not even a breath.

No noise at all.

“Uh..I…” he didn’t really know what to say, what if Phil did really hate him after all. Because he hadn’t said anything the previous day. What if that was after all the straw to break the camels neck.

“I’ll be in the hospital in 20 minutes.” And he hung up.

Okay, Dan thought to himself, that didn’t sound as friendly as he’d hoped but at least he would get the chance to really talk to Phil. To apologize.

 

Exactly 19 minutes later the door opened and Phil entered the room. Dan hadn’t really had the time to properly look at Phil the day before, he’d been way to stressed and too confused, but now it was quite clear to see. Phil had changed, he looked older – as in more mature. He was still Phil, and he still looked very Phil-y, but little things had changed that made him actually look like a grown-up and that gave Dan severe chest pains, because this was one of the things that he had missed out on. Phil was still wearing black skinny jeans, but they looked sleeker now, less wrinkled and emo-ish and more stylish, the colorful button up was tucked into a nice belt and he’d swapped the red-laced blue sneakers with a pair of clean black boots with dark green laces. The dark blue trench coat made him look like he jumped right out of GQ magazine. Phil looked bloody gorgeous.

“Hey” Dan tried and waved lamely.

“Hey” At first Phil face seemed to be made out of stone, he looked incredibly serious a very un-Phil-like but after only a couple of seconds a very familiar smile snuck onto his face. “I am so glad that you are back! And I am sorry that I yelled at you yesterday, I know that must have been a lot for you to process. You still did kinda deserve it though!”

“I know. I’m sorry, too. You had every right to be pissed, but I was just too confused yesterday. I really am sorry. I’m pretty glad to be back as well, tbh!”

They both grinned at each other widely. And then Phil tackled Dan in a hug, just like in the very first _Phil is not on fire_ they had filmed 9 years ago. And they both knew that there was a lot of body touching happening and that this should have been awkward, but it wasn’t and Dan felt happier than he had in a very long time.

They separated after a solid 60 seconds, both still laughing.

Then Phil became more serious again. “You know, I have really missed you. I know you don’t like this cheesy emotional stuff, but I have to tell you this. Living without your best friend is hard and I have really missed you. And I also need to tell you this – please don’t vomit – I love you. You are my very best friend in the entire world and I love you and I am not sorry for saying this even if it makes you feel uncomfortable, because this is the truth.”

“It doesn’t make me uncomfortable, Phil, because you are right; it is the truth. You are my best friend and I love you, too.”

“Oh god I’m so glad that everything is ok again!”

 

The door opened again and a very handsome guy appeared in the doorframe and Phil’s eyes instantly shone brighter. He went over to the man, smiled lovingly and took his hand.

“So, now I can finally introduce the two of you, officially. Dan, this is Alex. My fiancé.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to do some kind of a plot twist/cliffhanger :s


	7. Chapter 7

Daniel

They’re engaged. He should have known, of course Phil had lived on in the three years Dan had missed. He didn’t even know why exactly he had expected Phil to be -well free, single, attainable- whatever you want to call it. He hadn’t been three years ago and he wasn’t now. Dan felt stupid, so unbelievably stupid.  
With all his willpower he made himself say: „Hi Alex, nice to meet you.“ He wasn’t really sure if he sounded reliable, but this was the very best he could do.  
„Hello Dan, it’s such a pleasure to finally meet you. I mean during the last years I’ve heard a lot about you. And I mean if I trust the way Phil describes you, you must be the most amazing person in the world.“ he smiled at Dan first and then turned his head to give Phil the most adoring look Dan had ever seen on anyone.  
Oh god, no. He was nice, which was somehow even worse than if he’d turned out to be a complete twat. He was the kind of guy you wanted to be friends with, his smile was open and kind and genuine and the way he talked made you feel welcome and safe. And he loved Phil. It was so obvious that he did. They way he had said Phil’s name, the look he gave him, the gentle touch of reassurance to make Phil feel less nervous.  
„Oh has he really? Just because I didn’t have the chance to throw away any important papers in the last three years.“ Dan tried to joke, poor try.  
But they were too oblivious in their love for each other to notice that Dan’s smile never reached his eyes. Phil looked like he was a little child who had just found a puppy under the Christmas tree and out of no where he ran towards Dan and through himself at him, hug-tackling Dan back into the cushions. He rapped his arms tightly around Dan’s neck and didn’t let go for at least 30 seconds. Right before he loosened his grip around Dan’s neck he whispered into his ear „I’ve missed you. A lot. And I love you. Don’t you ever leave me again, Daniel. I couldn't live without my best friend for another day.“ And Dan had to pretend to look out of the window to hide the tears building up in his eyes, because that was exactly what he had wanted Phil to say. Except for the best friend part.  
Dan glanced over to Alex who was still standing by the door looking at the both of them, Dan lying on the bed and Phil sitting next to him. Dan had expected to sea jealousy, maybe even anger in his look, but there was nothing to be found except from happiness, kindness and adoration. What an extraordinary man, he thought to himself.  
Phil walked over to Alex, pecked him on the lips and then declared like he was filled with all the joy in the world „You are the two most important people in my life, the two people I love the most and now that I know you have met and you get along I feel like anything is possible, like nothing bad can happen anymore. This is the best day ever“.  
Then Dan burst into tears. He couldn’t stop them, he tried but they just kept coming, rolling down his cheeks like rivers.  
Phil’s smile fell and the sadness and hurt from before crept back into his eyes, which made Dan cry even harder.  
„What’s wrong Dan? Have I said anything wrong?“ Phil sounded concerned but also really hurt.  
 _No, you haven’t said anything wrong. you have said all the right things, except for the fact that you meant them in a best-friend-way and I want so much more than that._  
„No! No Phil, I’m just really happy that the two of you are happy. And that everything’s okay again. I just guess since I haven’t really felt anything in three years all of these emotions are a little too much.“  
„Are you sure, Dan? Because you did seem really sad.“  
„Yes, I’m sure. After all this time this old thing might just be a little rusty, you know?“ Dan said petting his leg. Before Phil could say anything a nurse entered the room and quite angrily declared that all visitors had to leave now.  
„We’ll come back tomorrow“ Phil said and hugged Dan tightly, then he turned around at left the room.  
„Please don’t take his behaviour personal. He has really missed you a lot, you know. The three years weren’t as easy on him as it may seem, and he’s really scared of having to go through that again.“ Alex pulled Dan into a tight hug. „Take care of yourself, Daniel. Not only for yourself but also for him.“ He let go and left, Dan as alone.  
  
This morning it had been Dan’s plan to tell his best friend everything a felt about him. That plan had obviously been crossed by the fact that Phil was engaged. The for a brief moment Dan had thought about trying to compete with Alex, to fight for Phil. But then he had to realise that Alex was probably the best thing that had ever happened to Phil. Phil was quite a happy/bubbly/excited person to begin with but when he looked at Alex it was like he was glowing or whatever. He seemed happier than ever and who was Dan to destroy Phil’s happiness, or Alex’s, as he was such a nice person.   
So Dan was going to let Phil go. He gave himself this one evening to wallow in self-pity, feel broken -hearted and think about Phil in a way you shouldn’t think about your best friend and when he’d wake up in the morning he would be ready to let Phil go.  
He turned down the lights and turned on the radio as he had no idea where his Phone was and then snuggled up into bed trying really hard not to cry, because crying would only make everything worse that it was already.   
Dan slowly drifted to sleep to a song he had never heard before called „Stone Cold“

_Stone cold, stone cold_   
_You see me standing, but I'm dying on the floor_   
_Stone cold, stone cold_   
_Maybe if I don't cry, I won't feel anymore_   
_Stone cold, baby_   
_God knows I tried to feel_   
_Happy for you_   
_Know that I am, even if I_   
_Can't understand, I'll take the pain_   
_Give me the truth, me and my heart_   
_We'll make it through_   
_If happy is her, I'm happy for you_


	8. Chapter 8

Daniel

When he woke up the net morning he was ok not good or well but just fine. He wasn’t in pain nor did he feel broken-hearted, he actually didn’t really feel anything. This was good though. This was the way everything was going to work out. Dan wouldn’t screw up, Phil would be happy and Dan would be, well alright, not suffering and that was a lot better than the alternative.  
Dan spent all morning trying to figure out what had happened in the world during those three years he’d missed. It was 2018 by now and there were quite a few smaller things that had changed in the world - for the better and the worse - but nothing major, nothing he couldn't cope with. Except for one thing, he was 27 now, turning 28 in just about 7 months. And Phil, Phil was 31 and Dan felt like Phil was suddenly a decade older than him even though nothing about their age difference had changed 4 years and 5 months, as it has always been. But turning 30 was a milestone and Phil had reached that over a year ago. When you’re 30 you are a grown up for real and getting married, having children, buying a house and settling with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with are real things. Obviously some people do that in their 20s already, but it’s okay if you don’t. It’s okay to still be childish, it’s okay to feel too young for taking care of a child and it’s ok if you sometimes lack responsibility and maturity. But the day you turn 30 these things are deemed inappropriate.  
Suddenly Dan hears a knock on the door. „Come in“  
Phil enters followed by Alex. „Oi Danny! How u feelin’ today?“  
„If you don’t stop talking like that right now I’m literally gonna throw you out of this window.“  
„Alright, alright! No need to be so grumpy, Daniel. We have good news!“  
„First of all I’m not grumpy. Second of all what’s the good news?“  
„You can come home! Like, today! We can help you pack your stuff and you can come home with us!“  
„Really?“ Dan sounded quite skeptical, because he hadn’t really thought about home yet. Did his home even exist anymore? Phil lived with Alex now for sure and why should he have kept the flat if he didn’t live there anymore. Also, even if he did keep it it would be home without Phil living there with him. All the character that apartment had, everything that felt so safe and homey and familiar to Dan was what they had built together and also just the content and peaceful living together.  
„Yes! So lets pack your stuff real quick, i mean there’s not a lot here just the little bits and peaces I brought everyone and then. I bet you can’t wait to finally get back home.“  
„Yeah, can’t wait.“ Dan said, but he didn’t even believe himself.

On the way „home“ from the hospital Dan looked at Phil more closely and thought about the age thing. At first he hadn’t noticed, but Phil had actually changed quite a lot. Nothing huge just small things here and there. Like his hair for example, he still had the „Phil-Hair“ obviously, because what would „thy guy with the hair from youtube“ be without his hair, but it was shorter and less emo-y, he looked a lot more mature with it. His clothes had changed, too. They were still as colourful as before, but the print shirts had been replaced with very classy/stylish jumpers and button-downs, he still wore skinny jeans but they kind of looked a lot neater now. Another thing Dan noticed were those tiny wrinkles at the outer corner of Phil’s eyes that used to only appear when he smiled, those were permanent now. Overall Phil still looked like himself, but you wouldn’t mistake him for a 21-year-old university student anymore, he was an adult now. Dan felt a stitch in his heart because he still was that person who would be mistaken for younger than they actually are and it made him realise that maybe the changes all over the world are not the things that would get to him, but the changes in his closest environment.

Philip  
The whole situation was surreal. We were sitting in a cab that was going to take us back to the apartment and as it is, there is nothing really strange about this scene. Not from the outside anyways, but to Phil it felt incredibly weird because next to his almost 32-year-old-self sat a 24-year-old Dan. In the last three years had changed a little in appearance but obviously he was still the same, because for Dan the last 3 years never happened. He „fell to sleep“ on one day and woke up three years later feeling like he had just slept through one night.  
This morning Phil had told himself that everything was fine, now that they had made up and everything. But he slowly began to feel like this whole thing might not be as easy as he originally thought. He had grown up quite a lot during that time and Phil didn’t really know how Dan would react to that, if Dan would be able to cope. And if he was brutally honest with himself he wasn’t really sure if he could live with Dan like nothing happened, he was really happy with his new life and he had no interest in going back to basically being two children living together.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry it took me so long to update this story, my life was in a bit of a mess but now everything is kind of back in order.

Daniel

The flat Dan used to call „home“ wasn’t really home anymore. Yes, it still was the same flat in the same street of the same town, but the atmosphere of ‚home‘ was missing. His room was the same, but everything else had changed. The lounge had a new couch, the dining table new chairs and even the smell had changed. All the little things that had made their „London flat“ his and Phil’s home had been replaced by things that clearly showed that this place belonged to Phil and Alex now. He couldn’t stay here for now, he needed to get out.  
„I’m…um..I’m gonna go down to Tesco. Haven’t had Maltesers in three years. See ya!“ and he was out of the door.   
He made his way down to the supermarket, walking as slowly as he possibly could to avoid having to go back into the flat too soon. The flat. Phil’s flat. Alex’s flat. Phil and Alex’s flat.   
It hurt that it wasn’t the „Dan and Phil flat“ anymore but if he was completely honest with himself he had to admit that there was nothing wrong or strange or unfair about this. Phil had moved in with his boyfriend of three years. They had even kept Dan’s room the way it was, waiting for Dan to come home from the hospital.   
He decided that it was okay for him to be hurt, but it was in now way okay to blame Alex or Phil for this. They had done so much for him and he would never let them know how sad he actually was about all of this. He would not destroy their happiness. And in order to be able keep his promise he would move out.

40 minutes later Dan found himself knocking at his own door.   
„Dan! You don’t have to knock this is your apartment!“ Alex grinned at him.  
„Yeah I usually would use my key the only problem is that it doesn’t fit.“ Dan said while following Alex up the stairs into the hallway  
„Oh my god Dan, I am so sorry. We completely forgot to give you the new key. After the break-in last year the landlord exchanged all the locks. Just give me a second, I think we left your new one in the kitchen. PHIL, HONEY WHE-“  
„It’s fine, Alex. Seriously no need to stress yourself. I won’t be needing it anyways.“  
„What do you mean you won’t be needing it.“  
„I’m going to move out. This is your home now. Yours and Phil’s. Moving out and letting you live your life is the least I can do, after all you have done for me over the last 3 years.“  
„What do you mean you’re moving out?“ Phil was standing in the door frame of the lounge.

Philip

Phil hated himself but he felt a weird kind of relief. He knew that he should feel said because this used to be the Dan-and-Phil headquarter, he should be sad because this was a huge part of his life ending right now. But for him the Dan and Phil story had ended a year after Dan’s accident, when he had decided that his life had to go on. He was now living a completely different life that included him living together with his fiancé planning for the future. And it didn’t include Dan, not as in no Dan at all but more as in Dan not living in his flat. Dan would forever be his best friend but his family was Alex now.   
„The two of you deserve to have a home to yourselves. Maybe in this way I can give at least give a little bit back. Thank you, both of you, very very much.“  
„You really don’t have to move out, Dan. We don’t mind you living here at all. Phil would love to have you here and so would I.“  
Was Alex being honest, was Phil that much of a bad person for wanting his home just for him and his fiancé?  
„Thank you for the offer, Alex,I really appreciate it. But I think I still know Phil well enough to tell you that his expression just told me that that is not really what he wants. And that’s okay. I would probably feel the same way.“  
That hit Phil hard. There was no anger in Dan’s voice, just pure honesty and sadness.  
„Dan that is not true. I want you here. You don’t have to move out!“  
Dan’s smile was the saddest smile Phil had ever seen but his voice was still positive, almost happy. „I do, Phil. You know as well as I do that what we had, what we were is not the same anymore. You and I know that you want to continue the life you had before I suddenly came back to life and that I have to find my own way now. You will forever be my best friend but there is no „Dan and Phil“ anymore. It’s Phil and Alex now and every now and then Phil’s friend Dan. That’s good. That’s how it’s supposed to be.“  
Phil could feel the tears collecting in his eyes. Yes he had wanted Dan to move out. Kind of. But he never wanted this. At least he never wanted this to be spoken out loud. This was a break up and the last thing Phil wanted was to lose his best friend after he had just gotten him back. But he also knew that Dan was right, so he went up to him and hugged him as tight as he could.  
„You will f o r e v e r be my best friend. Never forget that. And you are always welcome in our home. Always.“  
Dan smiled at him in tears. „I’m gonna pack my stuff and leave tomorrow.“


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back on track with the updating ladies (and gents?)

Daniel  
Leaving the flat was easier than he’d thought. He was scared that moving out of what used to be their home would break him for good, but it actually made him feel better. He felt like someone had taken all the weight from his shoulders. Yes, he was still in love with Phil and yes, Phil was still in love with someone else. But at least things were certain now. Phil was going to marry Alex. That’s it; fact; nothing to change about it. But now that Dan moved out of the flat he felt like he could move on with his life.  
This would be the first time he’d ever live all by himself. After he had left his parents house to go to Uni he had lived in the Dorms and after that with Phil. He was almost excited to experience being completely independent for the first time in his life. But before any of this could happen he needed to find a place. Except for his clothes all of his furniture had been picked up to be stored by a company this morning and now Dan was sitting in a car to his parents house. They had offered him to pick him up but he’d declined. Seeing his parents for the first time in three years while being in the process of moving out of the place he’d called home for his whole adult life would have been too much.  
Moving back in with his parents was very strange and very nice at the same time, even though it would only be for a short period of time. Dan spent most of his time looking at apartments, catching up with TV shows (and there was a lot to do after 3 years) or playing video games (again a lot to catch up on). After 2 months he had finally found a place and moved 2 weeks later with the help of his family.  
Living on his own was one of the best experiences ever. He’d loved living with Phil but this was a whole new experience; he could walk around naked, take showers at 3 in the morning while singing at the top of his lungs, he could do anything he wanted whenever he wanted. And with time passing his flat became his home.  
About 3 months after he’d moved in he went to get a coffee at the Starbucks just around the corner and found himself talking to the very nice barista. When she handed him his coffee she added „call me!“ and pointed to the number on the cup. Dan left the shop with a smile and thought to himself that he was not gonna call her, because after all she was not Phil. But when i looked at the number again in the evening he finally realized that there was no reason not to call her. She was nice and kind and pretty, she wanted to go out with him and Phil was engaged: why on earth shouldn’t he call her.

Philip  
Living without Dan was weird. Even though Dan hadn’t really lived in the flat during the last three years he’d still been there. Phil knew that didn’t really make sense, but he felt like as long as Dan’s stuff was in his room and as long as they saved Dan’s space he would always be part of his life, at least to some extent. But now all of that was gone. Phil often found himself sitting on the bed in the room that used to belong to his best friend dwelling in memories.  
He remembered the time Dan was so sick he didn’t want to leave his bed for almost a week, Phil had brought him food and tea. He’d sat next to Dan talking to him for hours about the most random little things and the secrets of the universe. He remembered the nights when they were sitting in the couch in the living room planning what to put in their book for hours and hours until they fell asleep with their legs intertwined because the sofa was too small for two 6’3’’ people. He thought about them snuggled up on the sofa watching anime and eating breakfast, cooking dinner together and filming baking videos and his heart almost couldn’t take the sadness he felt.  
Only then it became clear to him just how much he’d lost with Dan moving out. Over those three years Phil had forgotten what it had been like living with Dan, seeing him every morning and every evening and being able to talk to him whenever he wanted. He missed Dan terribly and he’d only been gone for a week.

It had been six months since Dan had moved out. They texted each other every other day and met up for lunch or a coffee every other week, like normal friends did. But that was the problem Phil had. Dan wasn’t just any friend, Dan was his best friend and it was in no way okay to see your best friend only every other week.  
Today was one of those days when he’d meet Dan for lunch and they’d talk about the most irrelevant sh**, finish their food and move on with their every day lives. But today Phil was going to talk to Dan about what their friendship had become and that he wanted them back.  
„Dan! Hey, how are you doing?“  
„I’m doing good, thanks. Listen, we have to keep this short today I only have 45 minutes.“ Dan sounded as if he didn’t even care that he would only have 45 minutes to talk to his best friend whom he hadn’t seen in more than 2 weeks.  
„Oh that’s fine. Do you have a meeting after this?“ Phil tried not to sound too disappointed.  
„No, no meeting, but Chrissy finishes work early today and we want to use the opportunity to get some one-on-one-time.“  
„Sorry but I’m afraid I have no clue who Chrissy is?“  
„Chrissy? My girlfriend? Do you still don’t listen when I tell you stuff?“  
„Haha, I guess I still have that habit,“ Phil tried hard to cover up his disappointment, but failed miserably. „But I am also pretty sure that you’ve never told me about her.“  
„Really? Oh well must have forgotten, it’s not that important anyways.“  
Not that important? To tell your best friend about your girlfriend? Phil started to feel like there wasn’t really anything left of the friendship they used to have and it broke his heart. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating in so long :/

Daniel

After he’d said goodbye to Phil and left the restaurant Dan thought to himself that he might have been a bit harsh with Phil today. Phil had looked so annoyed after Dan had told him that he was gonna meet his girlfriend after and therefore had to keep their lunch shorter than usual. But fact was; Dan was happy. After all now he didn’t feel like he was running towards something he would never be able to reach anymore. And Phil had Alex, so Dan didn’t really understand why he would be pissed that Dan had actually moved on. For God’s sake, Phil didn’t even know about Dan’s feelings.

 

Philip

Dan had moved on, completely. Phil thought he’d just moved on from them sharing a flat but he really had moved on from the entire life they’d had together. He’d moved on from their friendship as well. Yes, they were still friends, maybe even best friends, but their relationship had changed completely. Phil had finally understood that Dan saw him as something else now, he saw Phil as hist best friend who lives in the other side of the city, who is engaged and has a life of his own. Exactly the way Phil had wanted Dan to feel about him. Only that now he didn’t want that anymore. He wanted Dan to be part of his every day life, he wanted to see him in the morning when they made their breakfasts in the kitchen, he wanted to see Dan crumpled up in his sofa crease when he walked into the lounge in the afternoon and he wanted to hear Dan pace in his bedroom at 3 a.m. because he couldn’t fall asleep. That was what he wanted. That was all he wanted, he thought to himself. But that was not quite true, he also wanted those moments they never talked about. These few moments in the last couple of years that bend the limits of what friendship could mean to the extreme. The time when they had made out as a dare at a party, the time when the hotel had accidentally given them a double instead of a twin room and they’d had to share a bed, when Dan had cuddled up to him in the middle of the night and they had woken up with their limbs intertwined and Dan’s head resting on Phil’s chest. He also wanted the moment when Dan had taken his hand before their first show for The Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire and they had walked on stage hand in hand and had only let go of each other seconds before it could have been seen by the audience. Or the time they’d had one of their little fights and they were bickering on the sofa which pretty quickly turned into grinding.  
Oh. God. No. While thinking about everything he wanted Dan to come back for he realised that the problem here was the he didn’t see Dan as his best friend. He was in love. 

 

Daniel

It was going really well with Chrissy. About three months had passed since their first meeting in the coffee shop and they were as happy as they could be and Dan finally thought to himself, they maybe he would get over Phil, that maybe he would be happy with somebody else, and all of that rather soon.  
Chrissy was perfect, apart from the fact that she was not Phil. But every day he was spending with her his view changed. He thought about Phil less and less, he wanted them to still be friends, yes. But other than that Phil was being replaced by Chrissy, especially in Dan’s everyday thoughts. Phil had been Dan’s every late night and early morning thought for a long time and Dan now realised that he was no longer. It just felt so good to be free again. Yes, what he felt for Chrissy was different from what he’d felt for Phil, it wasn’t as deep and all-consuming, but it was light and happy and easy. There was no angst, no pain. And the more that Dan thought about it he came to the conclusion that it wouldn’t be was hard to settle with sweet and light as he’d thought and that he would much rather spent his life being happy with someone that wasn’t Phil than die a little every time that he would look at Phil knowing that he didn’t feel the same.  
At least that’s what he told himself.   
And after another three months of telling himself that, he almost believed it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this story is coming to an end pretty soon.
> 
> Pls leave comments and / or kudos if you enjoy the story :)


	12. Chapter 12

Philip

After he’d had that mild breakdown three months ago during which he thought he’d discovered that he was still in love with his best friend and not-fiancé Phil had concluded that he was gonna go crazy if he continued like this. He decided to take a step back and look at the situation from another perspective. So here was what he knew:

After the accident Dan had acted really weird. Phil had secretly thought there might have been some unresolved issue between the two of them that Phil being Phil had been to blind to see. But now that he thought about it again, wasn’t Dan’s reaction logical. He had awoken from a coma after three years just to realize that a man he had never met before had moved into the place he had called home for several years as well as being engaged to his best friend whom Dan had previously basically spent every day with. All in all he had woken up just to find that his life had completely changed. So Dan had decided to use that opportunity to shape this new life himself. That was what literally everyone would have done. No unresolved issues detected.  
But as a reaction to Dan taking his life in his own hands Phil had kind of felt left out. He had felt as if Dan was purposely trying to replace him. But again looking at it from another perspective Dan’s behaviour seemed perfectly normal. He had only gotten a girlfriend for goodness sake, it wasn’t like he was gonna move out of the country and find a new best friend called Nick and then change DanandPhilGames to DanandNickGames and never talk to Phil again. But obviously Phil had never been used to Dan spending a lot of time with anyone else because they had literally spent every freaking second together. So he had overreacted and built up this idea of still being in love with Dan, which was obviously complete and utter nonsense because he was in love with Alex, the man he was gonna marry in two month’s time.

…right?

As Phil had finally come to terms with this he had decided to give Dan (and his girlfriend) a chance. They weren’t really making it easy for him, though. He’d called Dan and told him that he had been thinking about organising a double date for Dan, Chrissy, Alex and himself and if they would want to come. Dan straight up told him that he didn’t think they were at that level yet. WTF was that supposed to mean. Yes he usually didn’t swear BUT it doesn’t happen every day that your (former?) best friend tells you that you „aren’t on that level yet“ to attend a double date with your particular partner.  
Fine, if that was how Dan wanted to keep things up, that was how it was gonna be. He did not once try to meet up with Dan again, they texted occasionally, but that was it.

Daniel

Dan had just finished getting ready and was now heading out of his front door to pick up Chrissy. To anyone who didn’t know them this might have just looked like a young man picking up girlfriend to go to a friend’s wedding. That was kind of what was happening, euphemistically seen. He was picking up his girlfriend who had told him yesterday that she wasn’t sure if their relationship was meant to last to go to his former best friend whom he had spent every second of his life with previous to the engagement and whom he was also desperately and rather painfully in love with. Not to mention that he hadn’t seen said friend in more than two months and had only days before been told that he wasn’t gonna be best man after all. He hadn’t officially been asked but he had kind of expected it as they had been best friend.

I guess there is really nothing that lasts forever, he thought to himself while walking down the aisle looking for a seat.

Sitting there in between all these happy wedding guests Dan started thinking about what he had really lost. Yeah sure he was/had been in love with Phil but that seemed marginal compared to the life they had shared for so many years. Dan-and-Phil, that had been a fact for 7 years. You would rarely spot one without the other, they did everything together and yet never really got sick of each other. They had build a brand, a life and a home together and even though Phil had never loved Dan the way Dan loved Phil, he realized now that this could have been enough for him. If there hadn’t been the accident. The accident is what caused it all to go downhill. Dan basically being gone for three years, of course Phil would start to move on at some point. And of course Dan wouldn’t be able to deal with Phil’s new life when all he could ever see was that it was not like it used to be.

So sometimes when things don’t work out between two people, they blame each other. And maybe that was what Dan had done these past months, purposefully pushing Phil away and shutting himself off to punish him. But the truth was that it was his fault all along. They had been happy and even though Dan loved Phil as more than just a friend and Phil had loved him back, even if it only was as a friend. They had been best friends, they had shared a friendship that very few people ever get to experience. And in just a couple of hours, with just one (over-)reaction to Phil’s news of having a boyfriend Dan had just like that ended the happiest time of his life. He knew that it was the happiest he’d ever been so far and he also knew that he would never find that kind of happiness again.

But now that it was like this all he could do was try to get Phil to be that happiest he could be. To start with for example Dan wouldn’t be that one miserable guest that pulled everyone else’s mood down. He would never want to do that to anyone. but especially not at Phil’s wedding.

So, Dan sat up straight when the music started, buried his broken heart somewhere deep within himself, then he put on a smile and watched first Alex and then Phil walk down the aisle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally back on track with the writing :)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for not updating for so long, life has been a lot to handle these last few months. Anyways here is chapter 13 in case anyone still cares.

_Four years later_

Daniel

When Dan had imagined, years ago, how his life might be like in the future he had always imagined it with Phil by his side. But now that he was 31 he was sitting in his London apartment with friends who could never replace what he had lost 8 years ago. Dan knew that they all cared dearly about him and he really appreciated and loved them as well, but not a single one of them could give him what Phil had given him. None of them could be his best friend.

After the wedding the last piece of their previous friendship had diminished into friendly, grown-up and very distant handshakes and conversations about the weather and other utterly unimportant things. They had become the type of friends that talked in the supermarket for a few minutes when they ran into each other by chance and then send a card to each other twice a year (for birthdays and christmas) because that’s what you do. It had felt inappropriate to continue with @DanandPhilGAMES because it would not be fair for either Phil’s relationship nor their audience. They had not continued „Phil is not on fire“ either. They had tried, that first November after he’d woken up from the coma, but it just hadn’t felt right. There were so many things between them so many things to talk about so many things that were either rusty or lost for good that the video had completely lacked the banter, chemistry and ease that had made the series popular and iconic.

At this time of the year, March had just passed, he hadn’t talked to Phil in months, they had sent each other all the best wishes for the holiday and the upcoming year, but that was it. He’d sent Phil a card for his birthday but he’d only gotten a text saying „Thank you! Hope you’re doing good. Phil L.“ As if Dan needed the affirmation that this was in fact (his former best friend) Phil Lester and not some other random guy named Phil. Later that day he’d thought to himself that this was probably just a text that Phil had typed once and then copy-and-pasted and sent to everyone that had wished him a happy birthday. The realisation that he was now just one in many who’d gotten the same text had hurt even more.

When his friends left the apartment, which looked painfully similar to their ‚Phlat‘ (he could physically feel his heart twitch at the memory of sitting in the lounge writing TABINOF), he just lay down on the sofa and thought about how even though it was, in a way, painful for it to be so similar it was also very comforting in another, because this was how he could really feel at home. And it had taken him a long time to feel at least a bit home-y outside the flat they had shared for so many years. With these thoughts running through his dad Dan fell asleep until he was awoken by the buzzing of his phone on the coffee table. He picked it up, still half asleep and answered without even checking who was calling him.

“Hello?“ he said with a yawn.

No reply. Dan sat up “hello?” he repeated, more firmly this time.

“Hi” Dan froze in his seat “Hi uhm, it’s…it’s uhh…Phil. Phil Lester.”

“Phil I know who you are.”

“Yeah uhh I guess. Sorry this just feels really weird. Anyways, how…are you?”

“I’m fine. How are you?” Dan was cringing, this was just so awkward.

“I’m ok, well…kinda.”

Pause. This was so unbelievably awkward.

“Well-“ Dan tried to break the silence.

“Can we meet?” Phil said suddenly as if he had been trying to hold himself back from actually saying it."What?” he said, without thinking about it.

“I-“ he heard Phil sigh “I-, we don’t have to, if you don’t want to. I just wanted, I… nevermind.”

“No, of course we can meet. So what did you have in mind?” Dan could literally feel his heartbeat in his throat.

“How about the Starbucks we used to go to? The one near Covent Garden”, the way Phil said it was almost sounded hopeful as if he wanted Dan to remember it.

And of course Dan did. he had been there several times by himself to relive old memories.  
But he just couldn’t bring himself to say what he wanted to say. “ _Of course I remember, Phil. How could I forget? I am more surprised that you still remember it”_ , instead he just said:  
“Sure, when?”, and with it tried to sound like it was just another everyday meeting.

“Tomorrow? Maybe? I mean only if you’re free.”

“Yeah whatever. 12:30?”, it sounded a lot harsher than Dan had intended but he just couldn’t help it. He already feared for what Phil was going to tell him.

“Perfect”,the way he said it sounded so much like the Phil of 8 years ago that Dan couldn’t help but smile.

The silence that followed made both of them realise what had just happened and Dan had to squeeze his eyes shut to keep his aching heart from breaking through the carefully built facade.

“See you tomorrow, then”, he said and hung up without waiting for a reply.

He bent forward, elbows on his knees and hid his face in his hands. He just concentrated an breathing in and out and trying to repair the little cracks in the stone wall he had built around himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I would really appreciate it if you left kudos and/or a comment.


	14. Chapter 14

Philip

He wanted to say that he was excited for tomorrow, that he hoped for it to be just like all those years ago, but the words got stuck in his throat. By the time he was ready to let them go, let Dan hear, how much he was actually looking forward to the next day his former best friend had already hung up. Phil sat down and let himself fall back into the couch, half of him hoping to gain some stability the other half eager to liquidize, sink into the sofa and never come out again.

Phil started to think about their conversation. it had been so awkward and unlike how they had used to be. He remembered that even when they first started skyping in 2009 there had never been awkward silences. Ever. It had always felt comfortable, sometimes they hadn’t talked for an hour, they were just hanging out doing things in their rooms. But just seeing Dan on the screen, knowing he would be there at any given moment for Phil to talk to, that had been a first time thing for Phil. And he’d loved it so much. _He’d loved Dan so much._

The past couple of months had been rough for Phil. Alex and him had been happy for the first two years of their marriage, it wasn’t perfect but they were doing fine. After those first two years things had started to go downhill, though. They would fight day in day out, about the most ridiculous things. At first they would fight for half an hour and then make it up straight after, but the fights had started to get out of hand. They would yell at each other most of the time and Alex would start to make Phil feel bad about himself. He’d started saying that Phil was lucky that he’d taken him because no one else would have and that he’d end up alone if Alex would ever decide to “level up”, in his words, and go with someone better. And Phil knew Alex didn’t actually mean all these things that he said, and that they were just a tool to hurt him. But he couldn’t help but feel hurt and every time they’d fight the knife would just cut a little deeper. But Phil never said anything in return, because he would never hurt anyone like that but he also never left because deep within he was certain that Alex actually still loved him and that they would make it out of this alive.

He really believed all that. Up until a week ago, when Phil had come back early from a trip to Florida with his family because he wanted to surprise Alex for their anniversary and found Alex fucking someone else in their bed. He’d had a bad feeling when he first walked into their house. He saw a jacket that belonged to neither of them neglected in the middle of the staircase and when he stood front of their bedroom he knew what he was going to see as soon as he opened the door. He'd screamed at Alex, he’d cried, he’d cursed and he’d kicked Alex out. And then he’d just locked himself in the house, closed all the blinds and suffered in silence. He couldn’t bear to talk to anyone he did not want to see anyone either (except one person, but he just could not work up the courage to call him). At least not until he had drunk half a bottle of tequila by himself.

Daniel

It was around 4 in the morning and Dan was lying in his bed, his thoughts keeping him wide awake. All he could think of since he’d hung up the phone was why Phil would possibly want to meet up with him. Thousands of scenarios had run through his head during the last couple of hours, raging from top-of-the-Mt.-Everest-high-best-case to deep-deep-down-in-the-pits-of-despair-with-lucifer-himself-worst-case. This self destructive behavior continued until around 5:30 when he basically passed out from exhaustion.

At 11:30 his alarm went off and Dan basically jumped out of bed. He got dressed, then changed and changed again, he did his hair and used even more product then he would anyways and then left the flat in a hurry only to arrive at the Starbucks 20 minutes early. He was too nervous to wait inside so he just paced around the neighborhood until he’d worked up the courage to go back and enter. When he walked through the door and glanced around the room, not sure what he was actually hoping to find, he saw Phil, sitting at a table in the very back of the room. He took a deep breath and then another one and then he started walking over.

“Is that the appropriate look for a thirty-five year old nowadays?”  
“I’d hope so, if not I’ll be the trendsetter for guys in their mid thirties to wear black skinny jeans and anime themed sweaters”, Phil smiled at him and Dan’s facade carefully repaired facade already had a new crack.  
Phil stood up and then stopped as if unsure what to do next. There it was again, this awkwardness that never existed before the whole boyfriend/ accident thing. But how are you supposed to greet someone that used to be your very best friend in the world, and that you secretly have a crush on but that is not your best friend anymore and that you haven’t seen in person in about 9 months?  
So after a few very uncomfortable moments of just staring at each other Phil gestured Dan to sit down.

“I got you a Hot Chocolate. But you don’t have to drink it of you don’t like them anymore. As we learned from the ‘ _Not Cheese Challenge’_ your taste buds may have evolved. I just thought, you know, I don’t even know what I thought. I mean I just kind of hoped that you might still like it. But you don’t have to. Drink it I mean, if you don’t like it.”

Philip

 _STOP TALKING PHIL_. Oh god, this was probably one of the most awkward conversations he’d ever had in his entire life and that really did say something.

“You remembered the extra cinnamon on top”, was all Dan said. He sounded kind of distant, like he was occupied with something else.

“Yeah, you always said that it made hot chocolate extra snazzy.” Phil couldn’t help but smile, this was what he had hoped for.

“So what do you want?”, Dan seemed to have come back from wherever his mind had been and just like that their little moment was over and Phil’s smile fell from his lips and quickly as it had snook onto them.

 _I needed ~~to see~~ you_. “I just thought we haven’t seen each other in a while and that it would be nice to catch up, as old friends do.”

That seemed to have sparked something in Dan because his expression changed. He suddenly appeared to be angry. “Old friends? Would you really call us that? Because someone that texts me every 6 months to say ‘happy birthday’ or ‘merry christmas’ is not an old friend to me. That’s an acquaintance. We used to be something else, but even you must have noticed that that is over and has been over for years. Oh and by the way you don’t seem to have missed it.” Dan’s voice was clear and cold as ice.

Phil was stunned. The things Alex had said to him, even all of them combined were not as painful as those four sentences Dan had just said. To even think that Dan did not consider him a friend anymore, that they were supposed to be nothing more than acquaintances hurt him so much that he couldn’t breathe for a split second. And then despite him trying his utter best to keep it together he could feel his heart falling apart and he could not stop the single tear that escaped his eye and rolled down his cheek.

Dan was still staring at him but even though his words still hung in the air like icicles his eyes betrayed him. Because the very second that single tear left Phil’s eye the ice melted only to reveal all of the confusion and pain and vulnerability that he felt inside himself mirrored in Dan’s gaze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, if you liked it I would really appreciate kudos and/or a comment!


	15. Chapter 15

Daniel

Now that he had finally said what he truly felt inside he could not have felt worse. The look in Phil’s eyes was heartbreaking, there was so much pain and Dan knew that that was at least partly his fault. He’d known when he’d started to speak that the words escaping his mouth were going to hurt Phil but he had never expected to see Phil almost break apart because of them.

And suddenly the wall was gone, his anger had vanished and he could feel his heart melting.

“I’m sorry, Phil” he whispered, because he didn’t trust his voice.

“No, you don’t have to be sorry. If that is how you feel then I have to deal with that”, Phil’s voice sounded hollow.

“But I-“

“No, Dan. It’s fine. Don’t apologise for how you feel. I can deal with it.”

“But I didn’t really mean it. It’s true that I feel you haven’t really missed me and that really hurt me. I mean we spent basically every minute of every day together and then I wake up after being in a coma for three years and everything has changed. I felt like you replaced me and that you didn't actually need me anymore. But we could never be just acquaintances. Even if we’ve changed and our relationship has changed we’ve still got a whole lot of history. And that will always matter to me”, Dan felt so vulnerable when he’d finished his little speech that all he could do was stare at the cup in front of him.

In the moment of silence that followed the air was thick with tension. Phil took a deep breath.

“I caught him”, he sounded incredibly exhausted “Last week I caught him, I wanted to surprise him for our anniversary and there he was…”, he didn’t finish the sentence.

“What? What are you saying here? That this arsehole cheated on you on your anniversary?” Dan tried to stay calm. It wasn’t working.

Phil nodded. “I went to Florida with my family. He was supposed to come with us but then he bailed on me last minute, said that he had to stay in London because of some super important client. I wanted to stay here with him, but since the hotel was already booked and he would be working anyways I decided to still go. But I cancelled my flight back to London so I could leave earlier to be back in time for our anniversary. Well - and when I opened the door to our bedroom, there he was fucking some random guy.”

Dan didn’t know what to say, he just looked at Phil in disbelief.

“Maybe it’s for the better.” Phil didn’t even sound sad, just utterly defeated.

“No, Phil! Cheating is never for the better. Never!” Dan had found his speech again. And his anger. How dared Alex treat Phil like that? Phil who was one of the kindest, most loving and caring souls on the planet.

“We were always fighting, you know. And it’s been like that for a couple of months now. That’s why I wanted us to go to Florida together. I thought that maybe some time off, out of our usual environment, our usual routine would help us. You know, remind us of why we got married in the first place. When he couldn’t come, I thought maybe some time apart would do us well. But now I think he had already given up on us.”

“I am so sorry you had to go through this, Phil.”  
“Don’t be. I’ve done nothing but feel sorry for myself for the last few days. And I’m serious, maybe it really is for the better.” he sounded a lot more confident when he said it this time. “I would rather deal with a horrible break-up now than having to deal with a horrible marriage for the rest of my life. Think about it. Just imagine how our lives could have ended up. Hating each other every day for the rest of our time together, being stuck in a marriage neither of us really want anymore. I think that would have been worse.”

Philip

Oh no, did he really just say that. Why did he say the marriage had basically been over for him, too. And why of all things did he have to say that to Dan? He just hoped that Dan hadn’t noticed, or that if he had, he wouldn’t say anything.

But of course Dan had noticed and of course he did have to comment on it.

“Wait, you said you didn’t want to be stuck in a marriage neither of you really wanted anymore. I thought he was the love of your life? What happened? Did you meet someone else?”

You. You happened. You are the love of my life, I just needed some time to realise that. It’s always been YOU. But he couldn’t say that. Maybe there would come he chance where he could, maybe he’d never be able to tell Dan. But he defenitely could not tell him now, their relationship was so fragile at the minute that a confession like that might have buried it at the bottom of the ocean. And he couldn’t lose Daniel Howell. Not ever. He wouldn’t be able to endure that loss. He knew that now, and maybe he’d known that all along. Maybe that was why he had tried to distance himself from Dan after the accident.

Instead he said, “I loved Alex, but I know now that he’s never been the love of my life. Things change that’s how it is in life. Alex really hurt me, but maybe this is also an opportunity, a chance to get it right this time. And getting it right starts with making things up with my best friend, the only person I could never live without.” Damn he sounded like a lovestruck 13-year-old. It was the truth, though and he wouldn’t apologise for telling the truth.

Phil lifted his gaze to look Dan in the eye and saw the walls Dan had built around himself over the last couple of years crumble away, leaving nothing more that piles of dust. And then he saw the panic, the pain, the confusion and uncertainty and the love.

Daniel

Now he really was fucked. Phil hadn’t just caused his walls to crack he had annihilated them, they were all gone.

It was pretty clear what would happen next. He had to options: run, from his feelings for Phil, from his own mind, from everything or stay, stay and let it all out. All the love and anger and love and pain and everything he felt for Phil.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in so long, I really didn't feel like writing and I had noooooo ideas. If you are still reading THANK YOU! I'll try to be more consistent.

**Author's Note:**

> Please give me some feedback and leave kudos if you like/d it! Thank you so much <3


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